Why I "Leaned Out"

Sheryl Sandberg is a powerful woman.  I haven't even purchased her book but her TedTalk has resonated with me. 


Her concerns are more global in nature than mine were when I was 22 and pregnant.   I did have the concern at that time that my friends and former classmates were going to pass me by in the workforce.  And they did.  I have friends that area VP's of major companies, friends that are incredibly wealthy, and friends that are just now starting their families at 40.  

I graduated from college when I was 20.  No, it wasn't an associates degree. I received a BA in English with Honors and had I not tanked my final in Cognitive Psych, I'd have my minor as well.  I got married to my college sweetheart the same month I walked for graduation.  We were pregnant, for the first time, that fall.  I was working for a customer service company (telemarketing firm) as a trainer.  For a 21 year old fresh out of college to be charged with writing and delivering training materials for companies like Encyclopaedia Britannica and Symantec it seemed like a great job.  And then I got pregnant.   Powering through the morning sickness and general lethargy seemed okay and I really thought I could juggle this career with motherhood.  After all, it was a family owned company and all of my managers had kids of their own and three of my co-workers were pregnant.

But then I miscarried.  And two of my fellow trainers miscarried.  And I was told by the Director of HR, who had no children of her own, that it was just a freak coincidence and that I was "probably too young to have kids anyway."

My 39 year old self is reeling as I type that last sentence.  Likely I should have gone on a tirade and forced change in a small company and fought battles I could have been proud to tell my daughter about.  

I didn't.  

I quit.  

Knowing that the only environment I could control is one that I was in charge of is likely the primary motivating factor for me starting my own business.  Could I have "leaned in"?  Affected change?  Been promoted?  Used that career as a launching pad to work for a larger company? 

Yes.  

But I didn't.   I "leaned out" so that I could find a way to make it work for my family.  I went back to work when my kids were each two weeks old.  I didn't have the luxury of three months of maternity leave, but I had the luxury of what will be 18 years of flexible work environments that were created by me, to support my family.  

For a brief period of time I did try and go back to the traditional working world.  I was strategizing a divorce (it took me several years to plan and implement) that could be the least challenging for my children.  As part of that plan I tried law school while working at a leading law firm in Denver.  In addition to this, I kept my piano studio running.  I was at the office every morning at 6 a.m. and worked until 3, running madly home to meet my first student at 3:45 and be there when the kids were dropped off at 4:00.  This lasted less than a year.  Witnessing the working moms trying to make partner caused me to drop out of law school.   Could I physically/emotionally/mentally kept up that pace while in school and then spent my 30s climbing to the top of a legal ladder?  

Yes. 

But I didn't.  I leaned back out because I realized that being a kid is hard enough when your parents divorce without the additional challenge of never seeing either of them because they're busy with their careers.  And, for my family, that is what worked.

I do wonder if I've taught my daughter that careers aren't as important as family or my son that moms are the ones that need to be more flexible.  I don't believe either of those things.  I'm a pro-choice girl and only you know what is right for your family.  

My best friend is an attorney.  She's one of the most brilliant people I know. She leaned out as well.  As a legal editor for one of the largest publishing houses in the nation she has the ability to work at home and be available for her kids.   Could she be a leading litigator at a world class firm?  Damn straight she could.  Is there any reason to fault her for not using her education to its perceived fullest?  Absolutely not.  She's raising brilliant kids, working full time while she's doing it, and juggling all that work/kids throw at her.  

Do I want my daughter to be a CEO?  Yes. If she wants to.  Do I want my son to be a stay at home dad?  Same answer.  If he wants to.   Do I think these decisions are going to be any easier when they have careers and families of their own? No.  My issue with Sheryl Sandberg's argument is that I've somehow hurt the cause of working women everywhere by quitting and that by encouraging my kids to either lean in or out I'm not encouraging their full potential.    

I should give the book a fair shake.  If anyone has a copy they want to loan me, pass it along.  But, for now, Rosa Brooks' Washington Post article probably sums up my feelings better anyway.